UnhappY

i thought the worse was over. but alas, i was wrong. i hope im at the worse now. at least i wont fall further down and nothing awaits ahead, except being UP.

im sorry that u guys have to bear with this. seriously i think i would want to bash tt person up if all he/she blogs about is unhappiness at work, more unhappiness at work, and more unhappiness at work.

but i really do wish to document all these down so that in future, when memory fades, i still have something tat i can refer to, to remind myself how down i was b4.

so if u are already down, i suggest u to stop reading here and not lemme demoralise u further.

i know im weak, but i din know i can be this weak. im not afraid to admit tt i've cried for uncountable times over work. seriously, i don know wad has gotten into me that im sooo afraid.. soo unable to face everything tt is taking place. wad is happening to me?

probably i was in the shalala world of collections for too long. so long tt i can no longer adapt to the 'outside' world.

i know this is just the interim period and i will get used to it as time goes by. everyone tells me so. but, how long is the 'as time goes by' ???? half yr? one yr? 1.5 yrs? or .... never?

yesterday was the exact 3rd month. b4 i started on the new job, i told myself no MC and no leaves for the 1st 3mths. yet, both were not fulfilled. and the most funny thing was, out of the 3days leaves which i took, i went back to work for 1.5days.

get the picture?? i purposely took leaves to stop the new stuff from coming in so that i can have the time to clear the backlog. if u are a normal person, u must be 'WTH-ing' me now.

yes, im silly. but do i have a choice? i cant cope at all!! everything is in a big mess! and i took leaves so tt new stuff will not come in, my colleagues will cover me and help clear some of my pending stuff, and i can have time to clear my backlog.

seriously, i deemed that as an action of backing out. totally irresponsible of me to do that and leave my colleagues to cover me. but if i dont do that, things will just keep coming in and i will drowned. totally.

there was one day, sometime last wk, when the thought of tendering with immediate effect came to my mind. yes, things are soo bad that i even thought of just compensating and i can leave immediately w/o having to clear anything. i seriously hope i wasnt soo cool-headed as to think of the consequences and had just went ahead. too bad, i wasnt impulsive enough.

now, the very cool side of me is telling me to just F**K care, throw in the letter, serve 1 mth and byebye. then take a good break before starting again. y be soooo unhappy over something which i have a choice over????

but the very rationale side of me is telling me to hang on and be strong. to change my mindset, be brave and wait for the day when i can be used to everything and life will be easy thereafter. she is also reminding me of the agony of job-searching and not having income..

that's me. always indecisive. always not knowing wad to do. always ding-dong here, ding-dong there.

im unhappy. one side of me tells me to try. another side of me tells me to go.

??????????????????????????????

come 13aug will be my 3rd yr with the bank. i used to be v proud and satisfied to be working with tis bank. but... now... im no longer proud...im sick. terribly sick.

isit really time to go??

but if i were to go now, wad am i bringing with me?

would i be better off? or..... worse off?